Words of Disappointment

So we are experiencing some disappointment right now. We have been instructed to STOP our entire process. Everything that I have been mentally preparing for....is NO LONGER happening in 3 weeks. 

Let me back up.  Over the last couple of weeks, while I was taking some birth control pills as a way to shut my ovaries down so that I did not ovulate, I began spotting. I made several calls down to the clinic and they told me that this was normal. Last Wednesday, I started wearing some estrogen patches to increase the lining of the uterus and build it up for the transfer. Since I was still spotting, they made me wear 3 patches instead of 2. The next day after starting these patches, I began to bleed..heavily. I called down the clinic and she said to give the patches a few more days to start working. So I did just that, however I continued to have a full on period. I was very concerned about it all, but it was the weekend so I just put it off until Monday. I knew that this was NOT supposed to be happening but I was still a bit hopeful that things would turn around. 

Well, I was WRONG.

The nurse called me back after I called and left a message on Monday. She said that our doctor wants us to STOP everything! So all those plans....OUT THE WINDOW. 

What had happened was for some reason my body shed the lining that was supposed to be building so at this time things won't be ready for the transfer in 3 weeks. 

My doctor started me on some more birth control pills, a lot of them actually. I have to take 3 pills a day this first week, then 2 pills a day for the next week, and 1 pill a day for the following week. Then by the fourth week, I should get my period and be able to start all over again. However, this pushes our transfer back a few months instead of 3 weeks from now. The transfer is still undetermined. It all depends on when my cycle starts this next time. This specific regimen of birth control pills is supposed to flush my body of any extra hormones that I was taking these past few weeks. I have had some very adverse reactions to birth control in the past.  I am really hoping that these high dosages don't cause any of those...please pray they don't. 

After sobbing on the phone with the nurse and trying my hardest to take notes of our new regimen, I tried to make sense of what just happened.

I was mad.

I was extremely disappointed.

I was heart broken.

I was upset.

I was very sad. 

Why? Why are things so different this time around? 

Why do things have to be complicated? Why can't things be "easy" in this category?

I began to doubt...everything. 

I took some time to just cry and express my frustrations to God. 

Then I just sat quiet....on my deck...in the warm sun. 

I had sent a few text messages to friends and family...so I knew people were praying for me. 

I could feel every prayer that was said.  Thank you.

As I sat there in the warm sun, I had something rolling over and over in my mind. I knew it was God's way of encouraging me, but at the time I just didn't want to hear it. After I calmed down, I brought myself back to the words that were rolling in my mind. 

Last week, I was preparing for my women's study So Long Insecurities by Beth Moore (great study btw). We are on the last chapter and nearing the end of study. This last lesson is on fear.

Have you ever seen God bring good out of pain? 

How is it possible not to live in fear of bad news?

She instructed us to read Psalm 112:7-8 but had us insert SHE in the verse instead of HE...it reads..

She will have no fear of bad news; her heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD. Her heart is secure, she will have no fear in the end she will look in triumph on her foes. 

Beth's words: God will work all things-no matter how difficult or devastating--out to her advantage. her enemy (Satan) will not triumph over her. It may hurt in the beginning, but it's going to be beautiful "in the end."

 For some reason, last week while I was reading this my heart was struck by the verse and her words that she wrote behind it. I actually ended up writing these words on a note card and put them in my pocket to read throughout the day. It just seemed really reassuring to me. I wanted to not live in fear of bad news. This verse just reminded me that no matter what happens with this whole process God will make it all beautiful in the end.

These words and this verse just kept creeping back into my mind yesterday. I felt that this was just giving me the strength I needed to continue on. 

My heart IS steadfast on HIM. I am trusting in HIM...although I doubted for a while...my heart came back to giving him my all. I will not let this defeat me nor will I let it bring me down. 

We have a lot to be joyful about..

1. Our precious little embryo is still safe and secure 

2. It's not over completely, we just have to reboot things. 

3. God has gifted us with some pretty amazing God fearing...fervent praying friends..and for that I am SO GRATEFUL!

4. Our beautiful son is growing and changing every day

5. We worship a God in heaven who has this whole thing under control. 

God has shown his gentle love for me in some mighty ways here lately. One really special moment came when my son and I were sitting outside eating a snack on the deck yesterday..

Me: Cael, Mommy is sad.

C: Why you sad mommy? Why you sad?

Me:Oh, Mommy is just really kind of sad.

My son looks at me and puts his arm around my back, pats me and says

"Its OK Mommy, Daddy will be home soon, soon, soon".

Yeah, daddy has a way of making things better sometimes. 

 My hubby is my rock here on earth. Just his presence sometimes is enough to calm the waters in my heart and mind. Yesterday was no exception. Thank you Lord for showing your love for me through my husband. 

So for now...

we have a bit of an intermission..in hopes that my body reboots and is 100% ready in few months. 

We humbly ask, that you still keep praying.